The Oath
by scaredofrobots
Summary: AU. Lily Potter and Harry ran away to save the world. James hasnt seen them in 10 years.
1. Prologue- Lily

Every morning is the same.

She wakes up.

She pours her first cup of tea.

She wakes Harry up.

Gets him dressed.

Feeds him.

Drives him to school.

Walks him to class, kisses him on the forehead and reminds him "No funny business."

She puts on a fake face for the other mothers who never seem to leave the classroom and heads to work.

She tries to forget her old life.

It is incredibly hard.

Disappearing had been the easiest thing in the world.

She thinks this often as she types up the classified ads, birth announcements, and engagements for work.

It's a small newspaper- she doesn't even need the money (Sirius made sure of that), but when Harry turned four and started kindergarten, she started to lose her mind.

Typing helps. It is mindless. And there is always some part of her that hopes an ad that comes through will be the one she's been waiting for.

She is pretty much out of hope at this point.

Harry will turn eleven this summer.

She tries very hard to forget that part.

She worries though, daily, that when Harry turns eleven they will be found.

That everything they have worked so hard to protect and conceal will be eliminated by an owl flying through her window delivering a letter.

She doesn't even know if the American Wizarding School uses owls.

Will they send a letter?

Or will Hogwarts?

Something in her heart clenches at the thought of Hogwarts.

Of home.

Of James.

She doesn't even know if he is alive. She doesn't even know if the war is over.

She's just biding her time in this small Carolina town hoping she'll find that stupid ad.

Somehow- it is already lunch time.

Again, Lily waves off the invitations to go out with her coworkers. She kindly waves at the piles of classifieds she has left to type and holds up her brown sack lunch.

* * *

Being a loner is something she's developed in her new life. She'd made the mistake once- at a restaurant job in Alabama. She got too close with one of the waitresses and when the year was up it was devastating to leave. So she'd promised herself to never make friends. She added it to the list of rules she and Sirius had set.

It was raining that night. She's just gotten Harry to go to bed. James was off on a mission- he wasn't supposed to leave but Peter had come in such a state of panic- their Gryffindor pride took over any logic and James had left. It had been hours. Suddenly- there was a roar and flash of light outside her window and then a crack and she was facing Sirius in her kitchen.

He was soaking wet and had wild eyes and spoke without greeting her. "Do you still have those emergency bags packed?"

"Yes- of course- but Sirius-" she tried

And he cut her off and started towards where he knew she kept the bags in the hall closet. "Peter's the rat. Regulus told me- this whole fucking thing….we have to get you, James and Harry out. Out of the country. Where is Prongs?"

Lily stopped short, dread creeping up her spine, "He's with Peter….they left hours ago."

"Fuck!" Sirius all but exploded

Lily felt the familiar waves of panic bubbling over. "Nonono, Evans, you've got to pull your shit together. You and Harry- that's the most important. I'll get James. We've got to get a plan."

So they planned as they grabbed a still sleeping Harry and loaded bags into the waiting motorcycle. As they flew, Sirius told Lily what he'd learned from his brother… that Voldemort was coming tonight, that Regulus had discovered a way to kill Voldemort and that when they told Dumbledore he'd just sat there and said "interesting."

When Sirius couldn't reach James on the mirror, he had feared the worst and went straight to fetch Lily.

They'd decided America would make the most sense. That Lily wouldn't stay in one place longer than a year. That she would stay in the south and that she would choose towns with names that would make Sirius laugh.

Why would a single mother of a biracial child hide in the southern part of the United States? No one would look there. She'd be untraceable with her magic and street smarts. When the war was over- Sirius would send word through the newspapers.

* * *

The first year she'd received a message- not that the wary was over, but that James was alive. She pulled out the clipping whenever she needed a boost

Found- Obnoxious Stag wandering a petting zoo. In good health. Seems domesticated and not good for hunting. Free to good home

It was the only news she received in almost 10 years.

She had only broken one of their rules.

She'd been in Charleston the longest. Harry had begged and begged and begged to at least stay for three years. He desperately wanted friends. And Lily knew he needed them. A small part of her worried that she would need to put down roots- that the war may be over but that they were on the losing side. She couldn't gather anything from international news- they seemed to be doing their job on hiding the war well.

She picked up another classified from her pile of ads and worked through lunch.

The rest of the day flew by in monotony. She picked up Harry. He talked her into picking up curry and she was relieved to not make the shitty meal she had planned. They ate and Harry told her all about his day.

At bedtime, Lily would tell Harry stories. Stories about Hogwarts and James. She had to set a limit of two stories a night. Harry would clutch the photo album that was their storybook and would delight in the world of magic- a world Lily still prayed he would see.

He was good at keeping secrets for a 10 year old. In Opelika- his teachers had tried to get him therapy for his "delusions," but luckily it was attributed to an overactive imagination. His questions had gotten worse as he grew older though. The stories less entertainment and more of a mystery, "When will dad find us?" "Will I go to wizard school?"

Lily racked her brain every day for new ways to say, "I don't know".

The next week continued the same.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

* * *

Ironically, the day that changes everything forever almost wasn't.

It was a Tuesday which meant it was deadline day. Lily usually had all classifieds finished before the end of the day Monday, but there was some damn national ad being run which meant she had to reformat everything to get it to fucking fit.

Thankfully- it wasn't anything she had to type because she wouldn't have been able to keep herself from adding some strongly worded commentary into the ad.

Lily didn't even read the damn thing until the newspaper went to print on Thursday.

When she did her heart stopped

Squid Trainer needed. English explorers search for experienced Squid Trainer to work at new petting zoo. Interviews will be held on …. interested parties should contact Nigel Babbington, esquire at xxxxxxxxx

They were alive.

And the war was over.

And she didn't have a fucking phone in her house.

Or keys to her job.

She has to wait until the fucking morning.

When sleep evades her she allows herself to do something she never allows herself to do.

She remembers.

She remembers the feel of his lips after Quidditch matches.

She remembers the sensation of his calloused fingers along her thighs.

She remembers laughing until she cannot breathe and how James feels like home.

She remembers everything.

And for the first time in ten years, Lily Evans Potter allows herself to hope.


	2. James

Every morning is the same.

He wakes up.

He checks the wards.

He kisses an old photo in an old frame.

He hunts for pieces of a madman's soul.

He wonders how his wife is.

What is son's favorite color is.

If his son wears glasses like him.

He wonders if he war will end.

When he can't remember why he is fighting- he thinks of Lily's warmth.

And he lives the day over again.

It has been almost 10 years.

He has tallied each day on his wall like a prisoner.

Sirius jokes that he will have to move to the floor next.

James doesn't laugh.

He hasn't laughed in a long time.

Not since his definitions of "brave and daring" have shifted from something idealistic into simply a means of survival and getting his family back.

Seven fucking pieces of a soul.

Lying to Dumbledore.

Taking the dark mark.

Playing double agent.

All to end the war.

To find her.

He killed Peter with his bare hands.

They don't talk about it.

How Sirius finally found James in the Malfoy's basement- with his hands around Peter's throat.

An unspoken vow.

Peter's death was an accident.

A lie.

James had planned it for weeks.

When he realized that Peter had drawn him out of the house so Voldemort could murder his wife and child-

something had broken in James.

He'd always trusted so easily...expected his friends to be as loyal as he was. But Peter had thrown it away and tried to save James.

At the expense of Lily and Harry.

James knew he would die in that cell. He planned to kill Peter and himself.

They'd told him that Lily, Harry and Sirius were dead.

So he planned to kill Peter. Then himself.

The plan went to shit when the Black brothers came in wands blaising.

Peter was breathing his last breath when Sirius told him, "They're alive James- I got them out"

The world ended and began again

\- Sirius and Regulus explained everything.

Except of course- where the fuck his family was.

Sirius and Lily had made an unbreakable vow, "The Oath", Sirius insisted upon calling it.

And of course Lily was he secret keeper so Sirius could tell him fuck all- except "Lily wants us to finish this thing. Then we'll be a proper family again"

James hated Sirius somedays.

He hated Sirius whenever the dark mark burns and he has to call that mother fucker "master".

He hates Sirius whenever they pass false information to both sides to try and find a horocrux.

He hates that Sirius and Remus have eachother and he has no idea where his wife is.

He hates his best friend.

His brother.

His great friend.

He hates that he has to trust his brother as they board the muffle aeroplane and fly to god knows where.

He hates the small American flat where no one seems to sleep and all they can bring themselves to do is stare and the phone and pay for more newspaper ads.

He's starting to hate his wife for leaving him and taking his son.

Until one day, the phone rings and after the typical questions he hears Sirius say in a voice that sounds almost strangled, "Alright Evans?"


	3. Sirius

Sirius Black considered himself a fucking genius.

Hiding his second best friend and his godson was the most natural thing in the world.

When Regulus told him about Peter, about the prophecy, about the betrayal- Sirius knew he had to get his family the fuck out of there.

When James wasn't there the plan went a little sideways.  
But he had to.

He had to do _something_ and James wasn't there.

He was grateful that James had married such a brilliant bird.

They planned as she packed.

They planned as they flew across the sea.

Lily had made contingencies for their contingencies.

She'd told Sirius the best way to win was to take them down from the inside.

So he did.

Because he is a fucking genius.

That is what he tells himself.

Especially when he knows that he has made his best mate's life miserable.

He knows that James had started to hate him.

He worries that one day James' response to "trust me" will be James leaving forever to find Lily amen Harry based on what facts he has been able to work out for himself.

When the war is finally over and that fucking bastard killed-(An "accident"- James had told him. The mission was to simply capture Voldemort for questioning), Sirius is finally able to put their plan into motion.

James is skeptical as they board an aeroplane and head to America. They've forged most of their documents and probably have broken several magical use laws but there is something to be said for being war heroes so they know they'll get a pass.

James never questions.

Every time Sirius says "Trust Me" James just nods.

They buy the first newspaper ad.

The day after it is sent to every newspaper in America-the phone rings.

The sound cuts through their flat like a bullet.

They never talk anymore and the silence is anything but comfortable.

When the phone rings- Sirius bolts to the phone and readies himself. He's got the ten year old diner napkin with the questions hastily scrawled in Lily's hand in his shirt pocket and he pulls it out as he reaches for the phone.

Clearing his throat he puts on his best lawyer voice and asks, "Nigel Babbbington's office-

how may I direct your call?"

A female voice responds, "Yes, I am calling about the squid trainer position."

James is staring at Sirius and his heart drops.

It could be Lily. They'd agreed not to rush into anything- she's as good as voices as he is.

" we have some preliminary questions to go over before the in person interviews," Sirius starts- and for the first time in years says a silent prayer to anyone listening, "first off what is your favorite type of squid?"

"Well- personally-" the voice begins and Sirius crosses his fingers

"I prefer to call them cephalopods but…"

Sirius has stopped listening.

Wrong answer.

Hoping maybe Lily has tried to throw him off he asks the rest of the questions.

All wrong.

Telling the nice lady who isn't Lily Evans Potter goodbye with a, "We will let you know." He hangs up the phone.

When he turns back to James he sees a rage he's never seen before. Through all their missions, all the terrible things they've had to do he has never seen James Potter _seething_.

"You've got two fucking weeks Sirius. Two weeks to bring me to my wife in son," James tells him- deadly calm, "after that- I am going to break into your mind and I am not leaving until I know every stupid plan you and Lily made. I've done my waiting. I'll give you two weeks more."

Sirius can only bring himself to nod. James nods back and then tells him as he does every night, "I'm going out- don't wait up."

The door slams- and Sirius continues to to stare at the phone.

The two weeks creep by.

A surprising amount of people are squid trainers. Every time the phone rings Sirius is full of less and less hope.


	4. Lily

Lily made herself wait two weeks before calling. She ignored her Gryffindor impulses to rush in and made herself wait two weeks.

She couldn't believe it. That the war was over and she could go home.

No matter how much she wanted to.

The hope that had lit within her quickly disappeared in the morning.

So on the third Tuesday when the ad was full of capital letters and missing commas- she knew that it was really Sirius.

So…on the Saturday (which was laundry day) she took some extra quarters and used the pay phone outside of the laundromat.

She'd memorized the phone number.

She'd practised her southern accent and remembered the code she and Sirius had worked on as they made their way to America.

A big part of her believed it was all a trap.

That after 10 years, something broke Sirius and they'd found her and wer going to kill her son.

So she made herself summon whatever Gryffindor courage she had left and dialed the fucking number.

On the 7th try she didn't hang up when she heard a very lawyerly voice answer, "Nigel Babbbington's office-

how may I direct your call?"

The past six times she hung up before they could speak. But she knew. She knew Sirius' voice.

But anyone could mimic it.

Breathing deep and remembering how much southerners loved her vowels she responded, "Yes. I'm calling about the squid trainer position"

And exhale and then, " we have some preliminary questions to go over before the in person interviews"

"I'm ready whenever you are, hun!" Lily responded and wished she could see Sirius' reaction

There was a slight groan and then thand first question, "What is your favorite type of squid?"

"Giant ones that live in lakes." Lily answered easily

Sirius have no indication before, "Right, right- now how would you recommended feeding a squid?"

Lily breathed deep and responded, "Well I would just throw whatever the hell you want it to eat into the water and then ring a bell"

Sirius chuckled at that and then asked, "When is the best time to try to train squids?"

Inexplicably, this was the question that made Lily pause. This could be it.

So she took a deep breath and answered in her own voice, "At sunrise you fuck. Don't you remember the shit we went through when we tried to train the squid at sunset 6th year?"

There was silence. Then another deep breath before Sirius answered with something that could've been a laugh, "Alright, Evans?"


	5. The Call- James

James crosses the room in three strides and snatches the phone from Sirius' hands.

As he puts the phone to his ear he hears Lily Evans Potter's voice says "I've been better you mangy mutt"

James cannot breathe- cannot think- her voice- it is the same and it has been so long and all he can think is "Lil?"

Apparently- that word has come out of his mouth because on the other end of the phone he hears an intake of breath and then, "James?"

"Yeah- yeah it's me," he says and his chest constricts when he hears Lily laugh and retort, "Smooth as ever, Potter…"

"Well- you always did inspire my best lines," he tells her and suddenly he can breathe because it is so _normal_ \- he's been terrified that Lily would sound like a stranger that too much had happened but here she is teasing him and maybe just _maybe_ they will be ok.

His relief comes out in a rush, "Where are you Lil? How's Harry? How are you? When can-"

"Slow Down, James" Lily tells him and Sirius places a hand on his shoulder, "I'm in Charleston- that's in South Carolina- where are you?

"Orlando- we're in Orlando."

"Seven hours- you're seven hours away…" Lily tells him and it's so so close but it seems too too far...maybe just maybe his magic can fix this.

"Tell me what you see right now and I can be there in an instant" James blurts out

"I'm not letting us get so close and then having you splinch yourself because you're impatient," Lily scolds him and he can't help but laugh.

Maybe once, a long time ago he was impatient. He's waited ten years. He can wait a little longer- but only just-

"I know- just- Merlin, Lily I…"

"I know James" and then a pause, James wonders if she is wishing as badly as he is that they could just touch hands. She sighs and he knows she is, "have to sort through a few things here… I could leave Monday or- oh shit hole in I've got to put another quarter in…"

James heard some fumbling and then, "Right- I can pack tomorrow, I can quit Monday and pull Harry out of school. We're experts at the quick getaway and then we can get there late Monday night. Can you wait until then James?"

"I can make it until then, Lily- but a minute later I will fly into that town on a broomstick and search every nook and cranny for you," he tells her- trying out his old _Head Boy_ voice

"I might just wait around until Wednesday then," she teases and then "one second...are you sure?"

James can't make out what she is saying and then "Alright- James...someone would like to talk to you…"

There is some fumbling and then James hears something he never thought he'd hear again, a young voice asking "Dad?"

James talks to Harry until they run out of quarters- it isn't long enough- maybe ten minutes or less. He learns his son is quite the athlete-

"Soccer," Harry tells him, "Mum always calls it futbol but that isn't what they call it in America"

Harry's accent is strange- a mix between English and the drawl he has heard since they've been in America.

He also learns Harry knows something of magic, several times Harry tries to ask questions before he is scolded by Lily in a way that makes James hurt for its familiarity.

Harry breaks the news with, "Oh well mum is flailing- and holding up our last quarter guess I'll let you speak to her."

James hears more fumbling and hissed, "tuck in your cheek!" In Lily's _Head Girl_ voice which he supposes with a jolt has become her _Mum Voice_

"I thought you hated that expression," James retorts when Lily is back on

"Hush you. Honestly I'm looking forward to seeing you again just to get a break from this little fungus," Lily tells him but her voice is tight and betrays what she is really thinking

"I know, love. I'll do all the dishes and visit Minnie every time he gets in trouble…"

"Oh, I'm not letting you out of my sight, Potter" Lily tells him and he can't let their banter keep him from saying, "Every day was a way, Lil...I missed… I'm so sorry…"

"Stop, James- I'll call you tomorrow. Same time. And I will see you soon," her voice is strained and quiet and then- before he can say anything "Right well- we've got to go- out of quarters-"

"Evans- You are not hanging up this phone until James tells you he loves you," Sirius bellows and James suddenly remembers that he is there and whacking him says "Love you Lil- talk to you tomorrow."

Laughing Lily tells him, "Tomorrow- I haven't looked forward for a tomorrow in a long time. You know I love you too James- nothing will ever change that."

As the line goes silent- James realizes he now has two tomorrows to look forward to.

He hangs up the phone and Sirius tells him with tears in his eyes , "I told you I'd get her back to you, Prongs"

"I knew you would, Padfoot," James tells him, and for once it isn't a lie, "Deep down- I always knew you would"


	6. The Call- Lily

Lily wasn't sure she would be able to wait until Monday. Her Gryffindor tendencies were _screaming_ at her to leave right that minute and fuck the consequences.

She'd gotten a lot more cautious in the past ten years. Although they'd never has anything that had even come close to an incident she was always looking over her shoulder. Afraid that something had happened to Sirius or James and that they would be found.

Because of a stupid fucking prophecy about her son. She hoped that someone had killed Voldemort. If Dumbledore or someone else had decided that prison was what he deserved Lily would find a way to kill him. If neither could live while the other survives she would make sure it was her son.

They finished the laundry and loaded it into the car. Harry chatted excitedly the whole drive home about his conversation with _Dad._ The way he said _Dad_ made Lily incredibly happy and sad all at once. James would never be _Dada_ or _Daddy_ to Harry. James would have no memories of the transition from _Mummy_ to _Mum_ to an occasionally incredibly snarky _Lily_.

He would be Harry's Dad though. They'd sacrificed too much to lose it now. She knew that it was going to be an absolute nightmare to try and salvage anything but- yet- without any real reason to believe it beyond her heart she knew they could. Hearing James' voice on the phone was incredibly comforting. The way they'd slid into their banter so quickly was like putting on an old favorite pair of jeans. If they could make it through the next two days they could do anything.

She was buzzing with so much excitement she didn't even think twice when Harry requested McDonalds, "I figure while we're still Americans we should do it right, Mom" and got him the "adult meal" instead of the Happy Meal he'd decided that he'd outgrown since he was almost eleven.

They gorged themselves and Lily answered more questions about Hogwarts, magic and James than she'd ever allowed Harry before.

* * *

In the morning, they started the all to familiar packing ritual. This time they packed into boxes they sealed with intentions to mail.

"Why can't you just shove everything into that charmed bag, Mum?" Harry asked with a tint of annoyance when Lily told him they'd be packing into boxes.

"Because I don't want to lug all your shit around. Now pack- I'm not taking you to the pay phone until _your shit is packed_ "

She was lying- but at 5pm Harry had actually finished packing and so they headed to the laundromat. Lily had brought extra quarters to ensure plenty of time.

They arrived to an abandoned laundromat and Lily mentally cursed herself for never thinking that Sunday would be a good day to go. Of course it wouldn't be bust because it was Sunday in the South.

She dialed the number- without nerves this time and was again greeted by Sirius' posh lawyer voice answering "Nigel Babbington's office- how can I help you?"

"Yes, I hear Babbington is a right ponce and has terrible hair" Lily smirked and was pleased to hear a chuckle on the other end of the phone

"Oh- that simply isn't true- he once received an invitation to a very prestigious society when he was in school," was the reply and Lily found herself grinning despite her tears

"Must've been some crazy people sending out invitations to that" she drawled

"Simply the worst," Sirius told her, "once they even put a wig on a squid"

"BLASPHEMY," Lily gasped and then more quietly, "I've missed you Black."

"I've missed you more Evans- " Sirius told her and if she closed her eyes she could picture his expression perfectly. She was startled from her reverie when Sirius all but shouted, "Oh for fucks sake- hold on Evans"

There was some noise on Sirius' end and then she heard a muffled "Calm down Prongs, Evans was mine first and I didn't get to talk to her yesterday and you're going to be intolerable when you reunite so I want 3 minutes."

She heard James say, "I'm watching the time." And then Sirius voice came back clear and strong, "Sorry- for some reason James here is a bit eager to talk to you but we all know I am your favorite so he can piss off"

The next four minutes- Sirius bargained for an additional ones were dedicated to scheming. Lily and Sirius had never been much for actually expressing their emotions to each other. Their love language was planning. So they planned. Lily outlined her timeline for the next day and Sirius pushed for an elaborate reunion at Disney World where they all tried to find each other wearing matching hats but Lily requested that she just "drive to your flat like a normal fucking person." Sirius relented but only after Lily swore on _The Society_ that she would allow Sirius to take Harry to Disneyworld since "He had a lot of godfathering to make up for" and "I know you and James are going to want to shag like rabbits the second you see each other and the _poor child should be spared_ ". She blushes at this and is glad Harry was starving to death and when they arrived and is at the vending machine so isn't around to hear that part of the conversation.

She spoke to James for all of about five minutes before the sense that both he and Harry would explode if they didn't talk to each other soon became too much. She could tell James was pacing and his focus was all over the place. Meanwhile Harry had been staring at her adamantly and shifting from foot to foot trying to look calm. She and James would have plenty of time. She would make sure of that.

Harry and James spoke for twenty minutes. Lily had brought a book and was glad she had brought so many quarters but was gladder that Harry and James seemed to be building something so quickly. That had been her biggest fear- that something would be irreparably damaged between Harry and James. That she wouldn't have taught her son enough about their other life- that James would be a stranger to this boy who was like him in ways that hurt some days.

She was interrupted from her thoughts with a "Well, Dad we're almost out of time- Love you- here's Mum" and Harry handed her the phone.

"Well, James- I suppose I'll see you tomorrow," she said in greeting

"I suppose so….I love you Lil. I-I can't wait," was the reply

"I love you too- think you can keep Sirius in line for 24 more hours?" she asked

"Only if you promise to take him off my hands for the next ten years"

"You've got yourself a deal", Lily said and then reluctantly hung up

* * *

Monday Morning is the same.

She wakes up.

She pours her first cup of tea.

She wakes Harry up.

Gets him dressed.

Feeds him.

Drives him to school.

Walks him to class, kisses him on the forehead and reminds him "No funny business."

She puts on a fake face for the other mothers who never seem to leave the classroom and heads to work.

Except this Monday- the last monday in what will become her old life- Lily is full of excitement.

When she gets to work, she makes herself frantic so it is believable.

Suddenly ill mother- has to leave for Florida today.

She leaves at lunch with condolences and a fucking care package with grits and jellies and old school grandma remedies.

Lily supposes she will miss the over the topness of the kindness in the south but cannot bring herself to really care at the moment.

She only somewhat guiltily goes to the salon to get a wax. She's been a little lax on the personal grooming front for the past ten years, and knows that James won't care but she treats herself anyway. She does, however, stop herself from stopping by the mall and running to Victoria's Secret.

She knew that she and James would want to shag like rabbits when they saw each other again (maybe not- that annoying doubtful voice in her head tells her) but she is sure they wouldn't have time to bother with things like lingerie.

She arrives at Harry's school and has to spend several minutes deep breathing before she goes in. "You've done this a dozen times" she tells herself and stalks into the office.

Again, she is given many condolences and another fucking care package for her ailing mother. Harry says goodbye to his few friends and clutches their mailing addresses in his hand.

When they get to the car Harry asks her slyly "Think the owls will scare them?"

Lily ruffles his hair fondly and tells him, "I'd love to see Rhett's mother react to a full grown owl in her kitchen."

Harry grins, pulls out the highlighted map and says, "Lets go."

Seven hours, only four pit stops and one missed turn later- they arrive.

Lily hasn't even put the car in park before she hears a voice shouting from the window, "DAMN EVANS- that car is a piece of shit."

As she looks up and waves to Sirius she knows she is finally, finally home.


	7. James- Sunday

Sunday is the first morning in a long time.

James wakes up before Sirius and goes to the store.

He's got a project planned and doesn't want to delay.

Although he spends more time at the mall than he intended- he doesn't fuck up the muggle money (for once) and is damn proud of himself.

When he gets home Sirius is pouting until he sees James has brought breakfast (which is from a terrifying place called Waffle House Sirius is obsessed with) and forgives James instantly. They chat over greasy hash browns and too much bacon about seeing Lily again and what they want to do when they go back to England.

That is until James brings up his project.

The project which is somehow totally offensive to Sirius.

"YOUR BEARD?!" Sirius exclaims, "but we look so distinguished!"

"I never said you had to shave...I just think that it's time," James lies, "war is over...no need to continue the rugged soldier look."

"If you're wanting to get Evans to drop trou I'm pretty sure the rugged soldier look is going to be more effective," Sirius grumbles

James takes a breath counts to ten. The he rolls his eyes and tells Sirius, "I'm not letting you piss me off today."

SIrius chuckles and retorts, "Good luck- but you better get started. It took you long enough to shave when there was nothing there. I imagine this is going to last until phone call time so I am going out. I have Disneyworld tickets to buy and a day to plan for my godson"

And with that Sirius picked up their trash and headed to the kitchen.

* * *

Once Sirius is done, James heads into the loo to begin his project.

The "Rugged Soldier Look" is just a name he has given to his beard to avoid the truth.

James has gotten very good at avoiding the truth- to avoiding anything that makes him look past his disguise and see the man he has become.

He has created two versions of himself in his mind.

'Before James' and 'After James'.

He hopes that in some small way- removing the beard, seeing his face for the first time in nearly a decade will take him back to 'Before' to a man that Lily will recognize, a man that Lily will still love and someone that by some fucking miracle she might forgive.

He begins to trim his beard and tries not to remember.

* * *

Growing a beard had started not by choice. Being locked in a dungeon deprives you of many things, and shaving is one of them. Near the beginning, he had asked….but they thought he'd use a razor to slit his wrists or someone's throat so he was denied.

James had been appalled. But now, now he'd done so many things that sounded laughable in comparison. He thinks this as he lathers his face with shaving cream.

After Sirius had come, and they'd set their plan to join he denied shaving again. Sirius convinced him to "make it look neat for fucks sake" and he'd agreed. Sirius joined in solidarity. Sirius had always hated the Hogwarts facial hair rule and was glad to grow it.

James grew a beard to hide.

To hide his disgust with the choices he was making.

To make himself unrecognizable in the mirror

The first swipe of his razor takes him back to his first mission.

Where he had to prove loyalty.

This first thing is the one thing he isn't sure… it will be the last thing he will tell Lily….he isn't sure if she will forgive him for it.

But he will tell her.

Even if it is the last thing he tells her.

He might not tell her for years- he might tell her tomorrow.

He has seen what secrets can do to people in the aftermath of this war.  
James has been so much a part of that destruction he feels cursed with his chance.

A chance at a fresh start.

* * *

They'd joined up shortly after James killed Pettigrew.

Sirius and Regulus- ever the storytellers revealed that Peter had come to set James free, and that James refused because he had finally "seen the error of his ways".

Regulus had done an amazing job of having enough visits with James logged to prove it. That Regulus had convinced James and that Peter had been turned back by Dumbledore.

Sirius, of course, would follow James anywhere and that was their story.

The first time James had to smile at Voldemort, to kiss his foot and take the mark.

Then the tests.

There were many.

Anyone deemed less than a pureblood was fair game.

The last thing he would tell Lily happened on the third day of tests.

James arrived into the atrium.

He'd barely slept the night before.

He was sure he would be discovered and that today was a trap.

James stopped short when he saw Severus Snape.

His jaw twitched. And he kept himself from lunging forward or drawing his wand.

That fucking bastard. If his final test was to kill Snape he would do it.

He would do it in so many violent ways Voldemort would never question him again.

"Potter," Voldemort drawled, "Severus here says you were with each other at Hogwarts. Close to enemies although you both had similar tastes in your filthy attraction to muggle borns."

Swallowing his rage at the insult to Lily, James put on his best grin and said "Yes- well it seems we both woke up to our perversions and are trying to atone for them."

"Yes….yes...well Severus here doesn't believe you. I asked him for the one thing you wouldn't do and well….I'll just let you see for yourself."

The doors opened and two death eaters brought forth a child.

A red headed boy who was cursing like mad.

"A muggleborn," Voldemort announced in a bored voice.

James raged. He pushed it down and said deceptively calm, "What shall I do to it my lord?"

Voldemort grinned and Snape looked surprised-almost disappointed.

"Well- we know how effectively you are with Avada Kedavra…" Voldemort started

'Good,' James thought 'Quick then. I can pay for my sins later.'

"But I'm feeling a little bored. Cruciatus I think….and then….make him forget everything about magic. We'll send him to an orphanage to live with the filth like him," he finished.

James nodded. Held up his wand and for a split second hesitated and then, "Crucio".

Three hours later, there was no need for obliviate.

* * *

James rinses his face and looks into the mirror.

For a moment, he doesn't recognize himself.  
Has he become so broken that even his old face can't hide the brokenness?

Suddenly the phone rings, breaking him from his thoughts. Sirius must've returned while he was away because he hears his voice answer the phone, "Nigel Babbington's office- how can I help you?"

James wipes the remaining shaving cream off and tries to listen to what Sirius is saying. He hears "Evans" and darts to the living room. He tries to snatch the phone out of Sirius' hand but is stopped. Sirius holds the receiver ever higher and tells him "You look like you're fifteen". James lunges and Sirius takes the opportunity to jump with the phone over the back of the couch.

James glares before Sirius tells him, "Calm down Prongs, Evans was mine first and I didn't get to talk to her yesterday and you're going to be intolerable when you reunite so I want 3 minutes."

Starting to pace James tells him, "I'm watching the time."

For three minutes all James can do is ignore Sirius and Lily's conversation, pace, and stare at his watch.

It is a long fucking three minutes.

He tells Sirius, "Times up!" and somehow Sirius gets another minute.

James all but snatches the phone from Sirius and can only think to say "Hi, How was your day?"

The response is Lily's laugh. So normal. Maybe they will be ok.

He listens to her talk about trying to get Harry to actually fucking pack. She outlines tomorrow and when she drops something on the other end she exclaims "SHIT FUCK!"

James scolds her, "Lily- please don't fucking curse in front of our child."

Lily scoffs and retorts, "Well I would watch my language but he did call a kid an arsehole on the playground the other day for bullying someone- so I think it is a lost cause"

"Sounds like his mother- that does," James tells her and he is struck, not for the first time about how nervous he is to be a dad...will he be good enough? Will Harry like him?

Lily seems to sense this and tells him, "Well I think your son might wear a hole into this floor if I don't let him talk to you soon. I'll give some warning before we are out of quarters."

Harry gets on the phone and James enters another world. His son is fascinating. He's so articulate and funny and James has missed so much. He can't wait to see him, to hug him and to learn about him in person. James is so excited by Harry's description of football he feels like the air is sucked out of the room when Harry says, ""Well, Dad we're almost out of time- Love you- here's Mum"

He is extremely disappointed until he hears Lily again, ""Well, James- I suppose I'll see you tomorrow"

Tomorrow. He can manage that.

His voice thick James tells her, "I suppose so….I love you Lil. I-I can't wait."

"I love you too- think you can keep Sirius in line for 24 more hours?" Lily asks

And her response is so Lily, trying to make sure he knows things will be ok- that some things well be the same he is obliged to respond, "Only if you promise to take him off my hands for the next ten years"

"You've got yourself a deal."

And then the line goes dead.

James cant stop smiling for the rest of the night.

After he brushes his teeth- he looks in the mirror again.

He is smiling and for the first time in ten years, he almost recognizes himself.


	8. Reunited

Sirius drags James out of the apartment Monday around noon.

"I can't stand the sight of you pacing anymore, let's go do something," he orders and James obliges.

He's got at least 8 hours until his family is here. Lily promised to try and leave midday but wasn't sure how quickly they would be able to make their excuses and leave.

They go to the mall. Which is weird, still. James doesn't understand _why_ exactly he and Sirius enjoy walking around the mall so much. Maybe it is just to be somewhere so muggle, so normal and removed from the war. It's another world- all of America is but this in particular just seems to sooth them both.

They decide to see a movie. _Edward Scissorhands._

Again.

Sirius can't stop talking about it and James enjoyed it the first two times so he figures he can manage.

He hopes it will get his mind off of the countdown he has going and will help push the anxiety away.

James falls asleep in the movie.

He always does.

Maybe Sirius only drags him there to make him sleep.

Something about the sound of the scissors lets him relax.

He's jolted awake by Sirius flicking his ear.

"Lets go"

They spend a few more hours walking around the mall. Sirius spends an obscene amount of money on more presents for Harry and James just rolls his eyes as he always does.

They discuss dinner and James is stuck by another set of nerves. He doesn't have a clue what Harry likes to eat. What if they became vegan or something? Do vegans eat cheese? Sirius is insistent on pizza but James begs him to wait until Lily and Harry are there and Sirius relents.

They return to the flat and Sirius convinces James that he should play cards to keep from pacing. They do. For two hours, James tries and tries to not stare at the clock as they play rounds of gin rummy. Sirius is kicking his ass.

At 7pm, James is in the kitchen when they hear it. A loud squealing engine pulling into their complex. James ignores it, knowing their neighbors have loud noises and goes back to mixing his drink. He's run to the window too many times on false alarms tonight.

Sirius has gotten wound tighter and tighter with waiting and he rushed to the window. James is expecting disappointment when he hears Sirius yell, "DAMN EVANS- that car is a piece of shit."

He doesn't think before rushing out of the flat. He runs out the door, not minding to close or lock it or even tell Sirius where he is going.

He is down the steps in a flash. He rushes past Ms. Berry (who normally he would spend several moments speaking to) and opens the door that leads outside.

He gets to the sidewalk and stops.

There she is. She's scolding Sirius on "language" but she's smiling through her tears and James can't breathe. His chest is tight and he can't even-

WHAM! Something slams into him. On instinct he goes for his wand, which he left upstairs.

He looks down and- it's Harry. His son. Harry is clinging to him and he is standing there like an idiot. James remembers himself and embraces him.

"Dad!" Harry exclaims when they seperate and James can't stop the tears, "Hi Harry!"

"Mom is almost out of gas. The light came on and EVERYTHING but she said we could make it- that she didn't want to stop again."

James smiles and tells him, "I'm glad you didn't stop...I couldn't wait much longer"

And with this he looks to Lily again and she is watching them with such fondness and love his heart clenches again. Maybe they will be alright.

With a shaky breath, Lily scolds Harry as she crosses to them, "You weren't supposed to tell about the gas, Harry...that was our secret. Now let me get in there."

She is inches from him. And he feels like sixth year when he was afraid to reach for her hand. He does now though. He wants to touch every inch of her. Embrace her and convince himself that she is real. They survived and she is real and they will be alright.

He reaches for her right hand and then her left. She gives him a squeeze and he exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding. They close the distance between them and Lily settles her head on his shoulder. He forgot how it felt when they stood like this.

Sirius would always tease them for "Doing that weird horse thing" but it was his favorite way to be with Lily. Now though…. he drops her hands and pulls her close to him. Her arms twine around his neck and he breathes in her scent. Her hands are in his hair and he can't help the smile that comes through the tears.

"Happy to see me, Potter?" she asks and her voice is thick.

"You have no idea, Lily?"

And then they are kissing.

He has kissed Lily thousands of time.

But this kiss, familiar and unfamiliar and full of everything he's missed for ten years- will be hard to beat.

They stare at each other for a moment and they're kissing again and James is ready to take Lily on the sidewalk when they're interrupted.

"Are they always this gross?" Harry is asking and the response comes from Sirius, "Lots of the time, mate, but I think we can cut them a little bit of slack. This time."

Harry and Sirius are standing in identical poses with faces of disgust and arms folded over their chests. Lily flushes red, just like the time they were caught after the final quidditch match sixth year. She pulls away but doesn't stop touching James, she is holding on to his hand firmly and gives Sirius and awkward one armed hug but James doesn't want to let her go either.

Harry takes his other hand and asks, "I'm hungry. What's for dinner?"

* * *

They unpack Lily and Harry's essentials for their stay and get them settled in. The discussion then turns to their plans for the evening. Pizza, it seems is a good choice. Sirius offers to take Harry to pick up the pizza and to go by Blockbuster to pick a movie. Harry asks if they're calling the pizza in before they leave and Sirius tells him, "Nah- let's see what looks good when we get there."

As they're planning the evening, James cant stop touching Lily, her hands, the small of her back and he hopes it isn't noticeable. Lily's hands wander in a similar way. They're telling Sirius and Harry goodbye and she only lets go of James to kiss the top of Harry's cheek and to tell both of them to be good.

"You be good too," Sirius tells them with a very knowing wink and closes the door behind them.

As soon as the door clicks shut, Lily locks it behind them and then her lips are on James'.

They are frantic, hands everywhere. James can't get enough of her. He needs to see her, needs to feel her. Lily, it seems feels the same.

Lily is unbuttoning his shirt when they slam into the counter. Breathless, she pulls away . She takes a few steps back and takes her own shirt off. She is grinning at him as she unhooks her bra from behind and lets it fall to the floor.

James has always loved Lily's breasts.

He admires the view for a few moments before he is touching them. His hands, his lips, his tongue and his teeth all admire the beauty that are Lily's breasts.

He has her pressed against the refrigerator now and her hands are everywhere.

He is kissing his way up her neck when her hands reach his trousers and unbuckle his belt.

His trousers fall to the ground and James presses against her, Lily's hands are against his back and she is pressing him closer as she hooks her leg around his waist.

He kisses her fiercely and slides his hand up her thigh. His fingers drift across her knickers, he finds her wet and wanting and he almost cums into his pants right then. But he clears his mind and moves the knickers to the side he teases her with his index finger and presses his thumb against her clit.

Lily breaks the kiss and gives a shaky breath. James kisses her neck and plunges another finger into her and asks, "Happy to see me Potter?"

Her voice is low when she answers, "If you don't fuck me soon James I'm going to-"

He doesn't let her finish the sentence. He silences her with a kiss and spins them so they're back against the counter. They break apart and shed their remaining clothing. James kisses Lily as she settles onto the counter. She wraps her legs tightly around him and James slowly enters her. It takes them a few moments to find and remember their rhythm but once they do James is reminded why they spent so many days doing exactly this. She is biting his earlobe and gasping his name when he finally comes undone.

* * *

They manage two more rounds before Sirius and Harry return two hours later. They'd been talking on the couch when Lily gave James a look and then he just had to taste her. And then Lily had to ride him on the floor.

They'd been behaving in the shower until Lily asked about a particular scar and after James told her the story she had to kiss it better. And then the rest of it. The sex is frantic and quick and _real_ and James feels like a teenager again.

Sirius and Harry return with two pizzas and several movie selections. He apologizes for how long it took but tells Lily and James that traffic was terrible. This is accompanied with a wink and several thinly veiled innuendos throughout the evening that James prays Harry can't pick up on.

They stay up late through the night watching movies and talking. It feels like a family. James realizes that the feeling he can't quite put his finger on is contentment. He hasn't felt that in a long time. At some point, Harry falls asleep and they carry him to his room. James tucks his son in and kisses his forehead for the first time in ten years. And he'll be damned if anyone tries to seperate them again.

* * *

Once Harry is in bed, they retreat to their bedroom.

This time they take their time. James worships every inch of Lily and she worships every inch of him.

Their kisses are slow and tentative. James feels like he is in confession and Lily is purging him of all his sins.

His only goal is her pleasure and she is of a similar mind.

Everything is delicate. Her hands and fingers brush lightly and James thinks her might burst from the love of this woman.

Each thrust is a promise "I won't lose you again".

They both peak at the same moment and James muffles her cries with a kiss.


	9. We Begin Again

Every morning is more or less the same.

They wakes up in the same bed.

Some days they make love before they venture out of their bedroom.

They make tea together.

They eat breakfast and send Harry's letter off to Hogwarts.

They talk.

They fall back in love. More in love.

Some days are incredibly hard.

Others are like a dream come true.

But they are so, so happy.

And even more in love than they ever thought possible.

* * *

It's been six months since they left Florida and made their way across the sea home.

Lily insisted on flying and James had complied.

There wasn't nearly enough room to do what he wanted to do to Lily in the airplane bathroom but Sirius had challenged them to join the Mile High Club once Harry had fallen asleep after the in flight movie and they never backed down from challenges.

They settled into their cottage quickly and worked through creating a new routine.

Lily's kindness and patience is endless. She is hyper aware of helping James and Harry build a relationship.

She sends them to the store together, makes James take Harry to his very first Quidditch match.

He still can't stop touching her. Sirius is being very good natured and not teasing them.

They'd always been very physical, not just with sex but hand holding, leaning and touching each other.

Now it is like he is afraid she'll fly away if he's not holding her down.

It embarrasses Harry, which makes James feel like his dad and he has such a feeling of relief because of it.

Because it feels like he is Harry's dad. Not some stranger that he's met after ten years.

His dad that embarrasses him.

He never thought he'd be thankful for that.

These happy moments are slowly starting to fill and replace the darkness James has been carrying around.

And yet…. sometimes that darkness seems all consuming.

Pressing on him until he cannot breathe. Cannot think. The weight of his sins sometimes makes him think he will never be whole.

One night he wakes from a nightmare and the darkness is so bleak he just has to get out. To run, to breathe, to not be James. So he does.

James Potter walks out his front door and Prongs bounds off into the night.

He's gone a week.

Seven blissful days of roaming the countryside. Living as Prongs keeps the darkness from becoming all consuming. He can just escape.

James returns home and finds his wife in the kitchen. Eyes blazing. Good. Maybe he's grown a little tired of her being so bloody understanding all the time. Maybe a good fight will make him feel alive again.

"Three days" Lily manages, "Three days I thought.." her voice waivers for a moment and James feels his itch to argue drain from him.

"I thought you had been taken. Or maybe you'd left me. Or that you'd gone and killed yourself. I never know- you don't let me in...I can tell when it is hurting you more than usual and I keep-" She stops herself.

"Three days I was sick with worry. Until I was in the garden just trying to keep myself busy from worrying Sirius and everyone else who loves you- even I see your bloody stag prancing through the woods," her anger is back now and has an edge, "So since then I've at least known you're alive. But I had no way of knowing if you were ever coming back if you still-"

"I'll always come back," James manages. "I promised."

"You've promised me a lot of things, James Potter. The first of which was to share all burdens. But you won't- you won't tell me it all," Lily is right next to him now- her hand reaching for his cheek. "Let me in James. We will never be whole again until you do."

"I can't," James starts and his voice is thick with his tears. "You'll leave me- the things I've done- I don't- I'm not the man you signed up for."

"There is nothing that will make me love you less," Lily assures him. "Now, please, share your burdens."

And she presses her lips to his. James rests his forehead against hers. Takes a deep breath, and begins his confession.

He tells her everything. Every ugly thing. He tells her things he hasn't told Sirius. About the camaraderie he experienced and how he hated himself for it. That he made friends with these people who would sooner see his family wiped of the face of the earth.

When some memories made him physically ill- she rubs his back and tells him to let it all out. He talks all night. Until

he is hoarse, until he is physically spent. And Lily holds him.

And when the sun begins to peek through their curtains, they make love. Every kiss, every thrust is an oath.

"I love you"

"I'm here"

"I will never leave you until death"


End file.
